Coffee Break Ramblings

Blogs

2005-12-08T12:54:00.000-05:00

I remember thinking to myself the first time I logged here and did my first post ever - how interesting it was for a teacher to have blogging as a part of their routine assignments. I was really excited since I always wanted to have an online diary/journal so I couldn't wait to start it. However, when I look back at some of the entries, I think "oh yes, I remember that one! I did that a half hour before class" and I realized how much effort I put in the entries. Most of the entries made me realize that my brother and I have the same habit that we are complain a whole lot. I've realized how much I fear and how insecure I can be. I guess I'm surprised I can be open about everything and not blush because people will read it and see my words - rather than hear me say them.

Poem

2005-11-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

Skin Deep

you see a pretty face and envy them
for the beauty that you don't possess
but have you ever thought that
maybe you're just like all the rest
cause all you see is that pretty face
you never thought to look past it
and see beyond the surface
you might never know that she
looks at her reflection
and doesn't see what you see
and you might never know
that she cries herself to sleep
and all the while you envy her
for the beauty that you don't possess
but have you ever wondered
if she envied you
for the beauty that you don't see
or think that you possess
have you ever wondered
if she like you wanted to be
just like you...

Thoughts

2005-11-14T23:03:00.001-05:00

It's a sad day. My first-ever betafish Clyde died. I woke up to this morning to see Clyde curled up stiff at the bottom of the plastic container. The water was probably not made right. Except my other betafish Murray is doing fine. His corpse isn't lying on the stones. It was a shocking thing to wake up the morning to see your first betafish ever dead. Or rather any of your pets dead... R.I.P Clyde. =(

Well, as of now, I'm a worthless college student. I'm changing majors once again. Except the only problem is this - I have no clue what exactly I'll major in. That's not entirely true, my greatest passion is to write. I love to write. But I always felt because of my dad that nothing could come out of it. So, my hopes of becoming an english major was severed by my dad's concerns. For the sake of my dad, I tried to become a graphic design major. One thing, I do not even like one of the first prereq. class. So, now, I'm confused. I have a hint of direction where I'll take, but at the same time, I don't wanna keep hopping from one major to another.

Mrs. M, a nice lady from my school who works with the school and I met with weekly, helped me set up an appointment with a personal counselor and a career counselor. So, to kill two bird with one stone, I have both appointments this Wednesday. I only can't wait. I need to start thinking for myself and making my own decisions. The only part I'm dreading is facing my parents. I know it would be mean to spring it in on them right when I first come home for Thanksgiving. So, I'll e-mail them telling them what's the deal and that we'll talk further about this when I get home for Thanksgiving. I just hope it won't be hell for me. I really want my family to support me and be happy for me. I tried to make them happy, but now, I wanna make myself happy. Is that wrong?? Is that selfish of me???

My roomie now is moving out next semester. And one of my good friends Mel is moving in with me. I'm really excited about it. It'll be different now. Now, I can enjoy Keene. Maybe, I won't even need to transfer. I think I wanted to transfer to another college to start anew. But I realize that isn't wise if i don't know specifically which direction I'm going in. So, I'm taking the right steps to figure out what I want to do and how to achieve it. Next semester is gonna be a riot. I just hope everything will go smooth.

Feeling Alright

2005-11-08T11:51:00.000-05:00

I can't wait until Thanksgiving. Actually, I can't wait until Winter Break. I never used to be so psyched to be home. I like the feeling of being home. And I like being close to my boyfriend. I rarely get to see him anymore. We're busy busy people. I miss him a lot.

I'm not going home this weekend. Shall be interesting. Drinking with a good friend of mine shall prove to be the highlight of my weekend... along with everything else this crazy weekend might have in store for me. Keene is never boring now. I don't think my friends will let it be boring. One of my friends has been encouraging me to stay. She keeps on saying "Chick before dicks" and I think at one point I was like "what if I want dick for once". Yeah, that DEFINITELY came out wrong. Hm, probably a good idea NOT to be so stupid at times. But it comes naturally.

Ooohh one of my friend already has stuff over my head, but I have stuff over his head. God, I hope I don't say anything stupid this weekend. Drunken nights, hm... haven't had one of those for a long time.

From Weather, Weekends and Winter Break

2005-10-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

All it ever does it rain. There's a BIG puddle in the parking lot right outside of my dorm. And it's POURING out. I think we're supposed to get snow soon. Greattt!!! So much for that small span of Fall weather. It just went downhill from the first flood of Keene. And if someone says "it's the end of the world" one more time I'm going to kick em!

Anyways, I'm going home this weekend and the weekend after that. Didn't realize how much I love being at home. Maybe cause I don't party 24/7 anymore that I see the sweet cozy side of being at home. Plus you get the privacy and you get to shower without wearing sandals on. OH THE JOY!!! And I get to see the BF when I go home. I just gotta make sure my friend is up to taking me home this weekend. She usually offers me rides but I gotta make sure it's alright.

I can't wait until Winter Break. We get one month off and I get to enjoy being at home. Yeah, of course I'll be working probably fulltime, but at least, I'll be making molla. And it's a bonus I get to see my BF more since we work at the same mall. It should be an interesting month. I'm pretty sure my bro will be coming back. He goes to an out-of-state college and I think Nanny is coming to spend Christmas with us this year.

OH! Mom, Dad, and Nanny are going on a cruise! A CRUISE! And they didn't even invite me. *Pout*

Long-term that I am

2005-10-18T11:22:00.000-04:00

I have trouble with starting something, because if I start something willingly then I'm in for it the LONG haul. I've very picky about what I want to start. Unlike being totally random as I usually am, I'm never random about my decisions. If I decide to start something, it's never short-term.

For example,

When I eat chocolate or anything sugary sweet... I can't stop.

When I write... I spend HOURS trying to figure out how to put things and what to write.

When I fall in love... it's FOR AWHILE because I love deeply and with all that I have! Why? Because I used to be the type of person that would wear my heart on my sleeve. Until someone hurt me VERY much and I put up my guards. So, now it takes me longer to give my heart totally away. And when I do, it's meant to be (in a sense) "forever".

When I dance... I keep dancing until I can't stand and all my energy is drained.

When I eat ice cream... Ooooohhhh! Restraint isn't a word in my vocabulary at the very moment.

Stressed Out!

2005-10-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

I think music is definitely my therapy. The combination of music and dancing always helps me get the stress out of my system. Or else I'm going to be Miss Fatty soon, because I swear I'm gonna gain more than 10lbs just this damn week. AHHHH!!! Oh well, I think I'll just be happy if this week is over. I think I'm gonna go home this weekend. That is if the rain doesn't flood the streets again - then I'll be stuck here.

If it's supposed to pour and the river overflows then maybe we'll get evacuated. But I think that's a hopeful wish. I think I'm getting to the point when I can't STAND being here. I just wanna escape. I'm just losing it.

Weekend Blues

2005-10-11T09:44:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been an interesting LONG weekend. First with the "BF" coming for the weekend and Keene made the News about the flooding. I spent all Sunday racing around Keene taking pictures of the flooded sidestreets of good ole Keene. It's crazy. People canoeing or kayaking down the street. It reminded me of Venice in some ways. I was everywhere. I think that's the only time I really took good walk & tour around Keene. I think I managed to see all of the Keene Staters out and about around the town of Keene. How the hell does everything manage to happen at the same time as an earthquake in Iran and a mudslide in Guatamala?

On a lighter note, I think my "BF" and I are over. He hasn't called. We've textmsged each other, but he hasn't called. And maybe he expects me to call, but the thing is - if he didn't call the day he left to back to Mass then it's a bad thing. 1) He left the Saturday afternoon when the rain was pounding down. That night he didn't call and I was going crazy cause I wanted to know if he got back alright. BUT HE DIDN'T CALL! So, I textmsged me the next morning after I realized I had fallen asleep and he textmsged me back saying he was good. Is it that hard to call and say "I got back fine, but I've gots to go. I'm a bit busy." 2) the weekend was strange. Due to PMSing streaks, I was very distant and catty. I tried not to be so PMSy. But it's kinda hard. It's natural for a girl to be not themselves during this time.

Since it's a long-distance relationship, the easiest way to end it is cut of the communication. Hence, he hasn't called me. And I feel like crying.

Structured and Scheduled?

2005-10-04T11:42:00.000-04:00

Goodie. Me very HAPPY!

The BF is coming to town for the weekend. He's leaving after his last class on Thursday and driving here. He's staying til Sunday morning. What makes it so sweet is that the BF and I will have quality alone time together. My roomie is going home on Thursday and isn't coming back until Sunday. All I can say is - me happy. Me very happy cause I'm going to have my cake and eat it too.

I met up with Mrs. M today. The weekend flew by. Y'see last Friday, I had an appointment with Mrs. M because we missed the last two set appointments due to technical difficulties. So, our last appointment, Mrs. M and I set up my schedule for the weekend and the entire week. I think I might change it around if needed, but the thing is I'm still doing EVERYTHING on the schedule - just at different times. This whole week until the BF gets here is "structured" and "scheduled". Imagine that, how the hell did I manage that? Me being structured and scheduled.

Guess it's a good thing. Maybe, little Miss Me is becoming a little bit more mature. And maybe my parents can shove their To-Be-An-Adult-Is-To-Be-A-"Good"-Student etiquette up their asses. Mm, I think that's the PMS talking. Ugh, I hope I don't go ape on the BF. Might scare him a bit.

2005-09-28T17:40:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday: Fantasized horrendously about going back to hometown. So bad to the point – drifted into La~La~Land -&- planned fantasy weekend with Mr. Knight-In-Shining-Armor… during a visit to the trusty computer lab on campus. Bad, bad idea. Mm-hmm, imagine. A randomly giggling little short girl dressed in cute black velvety boots, flowing black little skirt and flowery halter-top with cutesy denim jacket on. Fashionably cute, but mad crazy. No, not a good combo.

Good thing though. Sat next to an old hometown buddy! (whom I was trying to track down DESPERATELY, but tragically her cell number wasn’t in use anymore) Didn’t expect to bump into her like this. Accidental, of course. Trust me, I’m no stalker. Too damn lazy to be a stalker.

Well, she...
- Kindly offers to give me a ride home
- Encourages me on my college search. (possibly transferring – err, maybe)

And I...

- Am estatic I've got a ride home. Even though I am now $40 short cause I gave her $40 worth of gas money.

- Find a possible college to maybe go to.
- Give her my salad ‘cause she is in danger of not reaching those important 3 Meals-A-Day.

Spent the weekend with my Mr. Knight-In-Shining-Armor. BIG SMILE! Went clubbing Thursday night and Friday night. Had to meet Mr. Knight-In-Shining-Armor at the club Thursday night. Which meant - I was alone half the night. Got hit on by desperate guys. *shakes head* Good thing to have strong, wonderful man. He scares away all the other guys who try to zone-in on his girl.

Good weekend. Came back on Monday...

Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm sick. And it sucks. It sucks almost as much as the Red Sox losing to the damn Yankees. Almost as sucky as that. And of course, the domino effect is forever present. When you're sick, you don't go to class; When you miss class, you miss the work you need to do; When you miss the work, you fall WAY behind... It's not fun. It just SUCKS.

Carmel Hershey Kisses: A Blessing or A Burden?

2005-09-19T22:50:00.001-04:00

I take great pride in announcing “Oh no! I really don’t care about my weight!” and plastering a fake smile on my face. This of course happens when I have to lie, because I gained some poundage due to the lovely amount of Carmel Hershey Kisses I happened to infiltrate my good intentions to keep away from candy. Somehow, it found its way into my room – conveniently in eye view.

The idea of having a cute little fishbowl with a bag-full plump with Carmel Hershey Kisses was too much to resist. And all my good eating habits were flushed down the toilet. Cause when you open pandora’s box of yummy candy, I’m done for.

And the lovely phone conversation between my love didn’t help me much. I think it’s great that my boyfriend wants to buy me gifts. I mean who would really turn down the opportunity of getting some nice merchandise from Victoria Secret – or as he puts it, Vicky’s. I have no problem revealing to my man my measurements, because well, it’s rather redundant to play coy and act like ‘GASP! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D ASK THAT!’ when he’s seen me all of me. And I mean come on, it’s freaking Victoria Secret! Yes, the Victoria’s Secret that you go in and check out the goods, but I for one, never actually leave with baggies of goods.

Hell, if my man is offering to buy me some stuff – as badly and wildly materialistic as this sound – I won’t stop him. Besides, it’s not like it only benefits me – I mean he’s the only one that’s going to see me in it (and probably my unfortunate roomie).

Yeah, but now! The question is: how do I tell him that his little girlfriend is now a little soft and pudgy around the middle? Now, he has to buy lingerie for his nicely plump girlfriend. Sighs, he’ll never call me fat and I know he’ll tell me I’m beautiful no matter what. But damn it! I don’t wanna go shopping for a brand new collection of lingerie, because my hips and ass are too big & too wide! *pout*

Depression/Suicide

2005-09-13T13:11:00.000-04:00

Depression and suicide is often connected. In medical terms, depression is due to an imbalance of chemicals in your brain. However, it is also caused by events that have happened in your life. Sometimes, depression is treated by medicine to balance the chemicals.

An individual suffering from depression can be overwhelmed and confused. They lose sight of their priorities and they don’t find pleasure or joy in the things they once loved. Sometimes, people isolate themselves from friends and peers. Consequences of depression can result in low self-esteem and can also lead to self-infliction.

I want to learn how depression can affect others and the aftermath of it. Can you really recover or is there a possibility you could fall back into depression? Is there really a cure or is it all in the mind? Can you bring yourself out of depression by yourself and if you can, were you really depressed? What do most people feel or think about when they’re suicidal? I know from personal experience, but I would like to know what others have felt.

On a personal and emotional level, it’s going to be hard to face. Eerily agreeing with the facts or having them haunt me since it happened to me is going to be tough. The overall research shouldn’t be a problem. There’s a lot of research about depression and suicide. The biggest challenge like I said is to get through this without getting emotional.

However, I want people to know about depression and suicide. I want people to understand that people do feel this way and that if they themselves do, it's okay to get help. In other ways, I feel like I need to tell others and inform them, because I don't want people to go through what I have.

Maybe it's better to forget...

2005-09-13T10:45:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better to change or erase the past then it is to have some things in it. People always say that they'd never change anything, because it would alter who they are now. However, what if it is for the better? What if not having to go through some things makes you a 'whole' person - maybe an even better person?

I understand that the experiences in our lives that we go through shape who we are. They can make us stronger, but people often forget, they also make us weaker. The hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself is something that still haunts me today. It's something I still struggle with every day. Even though I might have recovered from hitting rock bottom, I still wonder if I've made it out of the darkness.

Imagine this:

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You're lying on the floor in the middle of a colorful carpet. But the colors don't comfort you in the darkness and shadows of some room. No lights are on. The only thing filtering light inside this cage is the crack beneath the locked door. If you're lucky, sometimes the light peaks in from the closed shades of your window.

There's a familiar feel to this room and you realize belatedly while fading in and out of reality that you're lying on your back in your own room. And what scares you the most is that in the darkness of your room, you don't feel safe. You don't feel comfort. You just feel empty.
Breathe in. Breathe out.

So you stare up at the ceiling. The fan keeps spinning... and spinning... and spinning....

And you watch those fan blades swipe through the air - cutting through the thick suffocating atmosphere of the room. Even if you close your eyes, you can hear every swipe the fan blades make.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

And you just stare.

Soon you're vision becomes blurred. You see through a distorted version of reality, but all you can really see is the intimidating blurred fan blades tearing through the air. You're so close. You're on the brink. The EDGE. The point where you just break down. You're so close to losing control.

It scares you, because nobody knows. Nobody understands. Nobody will ever know if you've snapped. Only the walls of your prison will witness the inevitable point where you just let go.

You slowly close your eyes. You drift into the depths of your mind. But all you can think about is nobody will come for you. Nobody will help you... because nobody knows. And you tell yourself muttering tiredly, "It's better this way, it's better this way, it's better this way..."

But in the back of your mind, you can't help but wonder: is it?

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I remember that day. I remember staring up at that fan, the darkness of the room, the tears and the emptiness. Yes, I remember falling asleep hoping I'd never wake up. Hoping I'd never have to deal with those feelings again. The hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself was that I had a problem. To accept I had a problem and dealing with it was a whole thing entirely. Words - like depression, suicide, and anorexia - are words that you hear in health class. You hear it around school and in the media, but you never realize how common and universal it is until you admit to yourself that YOU are depressed... YOU are suicidal... and YOU are anorexic...

It's so simple to say now. I was depressed, I was suicidal and I was anoerexic. But at the time, how do you tell someone when all they can see is your happy face and tell them: I am depressed, I am suicidal and I am anorexic. I need your help.

In the back of your twisted mind, you don't have a problem. You know it's not normal. I know the difference between - wrong & right and good & bad - that's the not the point. Because in your state of mind - you really don't understand the concept. You have your own set of distorted what's right and what's wrong or what's good or what's bad.

And what's sad is that sometimes when don't realize it, you still go by those distorted set of values and those disturbed tendencies.

There are just things in your past that maybe is better to press rewind and erase. Things that you sometimes can't even explain yourself. How can you even explain to others if you can't even explain it to yourself? How do you live with yourself when the memories you have still haunt you?

flashback...

I'm sitting in the passanger seat of my friend's car. I'm turning the radio station dial trying to find a good station. He glances in my direction with a look of frustation on his face.
"Could you find a station and stick to it?"
I look at him and smile. I playfully role my eyes and keep searching for a station.
"Damn it. I mean it. Could you find a station?"
My hand touches the dial and my fingers turn it.
SLAP!
My face whips to the side and my cheeks feels like it cracked. I cup my cheek. It stings and aches. Hurts so bad that it had to be real. I look over at him and he nervously steals glances at me. He's trying to calmly drive down the road.
"It's your fault," he tells me. "It's your own fault that this happened."

3 website

2005-09-06T13:05:00.000-04:00

http://www.quirkychick.org/
extremely entertaining. Her take on life is both refreshing and it's easy to relate to.

http://tonermishap.blogspot.com/ <~~ I like the sarcasm and criticism in the writer’s view on politics and news.

http://www.kath-leen.com/unsettled/
amusing. easy to read & I love the humor and sarcasm she has for her life.

Just Peachy

2005-09-06T10:52:00.000-04:00

Don't you just love computers - especially those piece of crap ones they like to call technology. As of yesterday, I have a laptop and a very nice one at that... BUT, oh you had to know there was a 'but', I have no internet. Peachy, isn't it? We have the joys & wonders of technology and I get cheated out of it. Don'tcha just love it. I do, I absolutely rave about my good luck. In fact, I spent half the night turning the stupid piece of crap on and off hoping for it to be back on. Yeah, yeah, wishful thinking. I will have no hair by tomorrow. I am absolutely certain if I don't throw my laptop out of my window, I will result to pulling out my hair. Simple as that really. No internet, no hair.

Why is it that when you want your cell to ring it doesn't? And when you give up and go to bathroom, it finally does ring? Sometimes I think guys have no idea how girls can get a little paranoid when they don't call. Okay, girls like me - sorry, forgot to add that. I know my boyfriend wants me and cares about me, I don't question that. It's tough being in a long-distance relationship - especially when it's with someone that could very well be the best thing that happened to me. I just miss him a lot and I know he's worth it. It's just sometimes I need to hear his voice just to know he's out there. I just need to know he's thinking about me like I'm thinking about me. Is that so bad?

Think Too Much

2005-09-01T12:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I think I just think too much. Too much goes on in my head and I can't help but wonder: "Is this really normal?" And I really wouldn't be surprised if I heard some silly voice in my head go "You? Normal? Ha, that's a laugh!". I've heard thousands of times being normal is overrated and be different is what makes people special.

Honestly, I don't think thinking so much is special. I think I'm just naturally gifted at being paranoid, it's easy to be actively thinking. I've been known to analyze everything. Everything I do I think "Should I do this?" or "Should I be doing this?" or maybe "What in the hell are you doing?". And often, it's probably the "what in the hell are you doing?".

I guess it's the fact I've been through a lot that I can't help but not think about everything. Y'know the consequences, the aftermath and everything that goes along with it - it's a safety measure for me. Whenenver people ask "What are you thinking?", I secretly want to say "You really don't wanna know".

I know I'm messed up, a bit bruised and a bit damaged. It's not easy. Life in general was never supposed to be easy. It's the truth with that saying whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But they never talk about the fact you'll never be the same person again. You go through these trials and struggles. You're lucky to come out alive, but in one piece - no, you're never gonna be in one piece again. Maybe, that's the beauty of it. That's the beauty of living.

At least I think so.

First Post

2005-09-01T12:28:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my crazy world. Shall be interesting.